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Begining of a Marine story. What do people think? - WestGamer
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PostPosted: Wed Nov 18, 2009 6:56 pm 

Joined: Sun Apr 19, 2009 7:58 pm
Posts: 310
Its amazing what a day off can see one do :P Dont know if it is motivation to get hurt, or not get hurt :P Would like to see what people think!

This is my first attempt, and I tried to familirise myself with the fluff, but comments, querries and death threats would help! (Maybe not the later :P)
Captain Bane surveyed the vast wasteland in front of him. As the wind trailed up the edge of the snow-capped mountains, it brought with it thins wisps of snow which slowly rested on his exposed face. A face scarred with wounds from battles centuries ago, a face with stark green eyes that had long lost their humanity, and exchanged it for a bitter view of the universe around him.
It was these eyes though that had ensured victory so many times, eyes which hastened to spot the fire warriors bane knew were closing. The wind began to pick up, and had changed direction. He stepped down back into his command rhino, Allenfort 323.
“Brother Isis, switch to thermals and scan the valley ahead, they are their somewhere”
A line descended down the screen as the snow dominated monitor moved it spectrum to a greyish portrayal of the world around them. Immediately, the fire warrior’s position was revealed.
“Take that as a lesson Isis, the teachings of terra that technology is not to be trusted is rubbish. It is the tool by which we will once again claim this galaxy for both the emperor and humanity. Log those co-ordinates and pass it on to the whirlwinds. I am going to go speak with the scout”
With a solid pat on his soldier, he turned and pulled a lever to his left. Signalling to his command squad to follow, the rear door of the Rhino hit the rocky ground with a thud, clearing the thin layer of snow which had accumulated.
“Brother Cranach, take the command squad and observe the whirlwind battery. They are on vox channel 69. Adjust and correct as required. Use thermals”
With that, the command squad promptly headed over to the ridge. Bane placed his helmet on, adjusting the screen so himself would have a clear view of what would occur. He then trained his thoughts on finding the scouts. So young to war, so naive, and yet, so essential to our efforts.
Each step was deliberate. His aged but sturdy armour, adapted to his body, moved and shifted effortlessly.
“Scouts, report!”
Firm words, sounded clearly, but not yelled. Leadership to him was about inspiring victory, demanding excellence, not ruling with an iron fist. 9 quickly doubled to his position, the last, their sergeant, calmly walked up to bane, slung his bolter, and gave him a firm handshake.
“I have not seen you in a while old friend, it is a shame our reunion will prove to be so fleeting”
Bane laughed, both comforted and amused by the sergeant’s comments.
“Sarge, it has been too long, though, it comes with the line of work when you are insistent on staying with the tenth company!”
They both chuckled as the first whirlwind battery fired.
“Its Stag, you know that, it’s been centuries since you were my ward!”
Banes look of joy soon was replaced with the more then common grimace of a captain of many campaigns.
“I have a special mission for you, one which requires the delegate touch of a master.”
There was crackling in his helmet as his command squads lieutenant came over the network;
“Sir, whirlwinds hitting on target, xenos are digging in, appears they are entrenching themselves. What is our next course of action?”
Bane was quick to reply, for this was just another motion in a life filled with war;
“Deploy the tactical dreadnought armour across their lines, use their firepower to eliminate any enemy heavy weapons and let the tactical squads use them for cover, they should lead the charge into the trenches. Redirect the artillery to suppress and support vehicles the xenos may have brought with them. It is your show for now Cranach, dress to impress”
As the whirlwind batteries stopped and adjusted their ammunition, Bane quickly turned to observe the marine charge.
“You have trained them well Bane; they are a complement to your command”
“Well stag, it was you who gave me such a good canvas to work with”
Both of the men reminisced of better times, but they both knew the urgency of the moment. Bane took off his helmet and activated the Holonav graph.
“I will be dropping you behind enemy lines in this approximate location via storm. This spaceport will be their last retreat. Currently, the adverse weather is favouring us, and we need to exploit it whilst we can. What the tau do not know is that there is an old sewerage system which runs under the city walls. You will need to get into the sewers and rig explosives here, here and here. Once this is done, send through a confirm and fall back to the hills. There is an outpost there. Destroy it, and re-occupy it. It is the only way they will be able to retreat from the city. By creating this crossfire we can cut this campaign short by months. I know it is a big ask, but you are the only man I could ask”
Stag looked at the feat which had been set for him. After years of experience, he knew it was a big ask for 10 scouts, but he knew his boys were ready. Each one had been by his side for years, learning the ropes, evolving from mere mortal to an angel of death.
“I will only promise you this, we will do it, or die trying”
Bane nodded,
“I expected nothing less, the storms are waiting. I hope to share a meal with you soon, catch up...”
“As do I”
Bane stood tall, and hit the centre of the imperial eagle of his armour;
“For the emperor!”
Stag turned, mimicking the movement
“We march to victory”
That was it. Stag quickly had his men encircle him. Bane jogged towards his command squad who had been directing the battle.
“How are we fairing, this valley better be red!”
Cranach handed him the rangefinders,
“We have secured both flanks, though there are some broadsides causing us some grief.”
Bane placed his helmet on his head,
“Bring me the bikes, Lieutenant, in the mood for a ride?”
A Landraider quickly arrived, the front hatch slamming down. Standing in the doorway was a red power armoured silhouette.
“Axle my brother, I trust you have repaired our bikes?”
The figure moved down, revealing a servo harness. As he stepped down, several servitors quickly moved down the bikes, readying them for use.
“That I have Sir, but may I suggest next time you do not ride them into a horde of kroot. Whilst I have full confidence you will survive, the bikes once abandoned do not fair a good chance.”
Bane chuckled as he mounted his bike. The throttle was perfect. Stretching out his legs he secured them in the armoured stirrups. He looked around; his command squad had done the same.
“Alright marines, today we claim glory. For the Emperor!”
In unison, the marines replied;
“We march to victory”
The rev of engines could be heard as the squad sped forward, hitting the ridge and descending into battle.

To be continued....

PostPosted: Wed Nov 18, 2009 7:38 pm 
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Joined: Wed Nov 18, 2009 7:25 pm
Posts: 33
:wink: i know what its like to need opinions on my writing im writing a novel myself and always think its rubish but the worst critik is always yourself this is realy good keep going

whithout chaos there is no order without evil there is no good so being evil im actualy doing you a favor

PostPosted: Wed Nov 18, 2009 9:25 pm 
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Joined: Fri May 12, 2006 7:00 pm
Posts: 4557
Location: Guildford
Good work. Lots of little things need fixing. This will only work as the begining of a story if you now start to work in introductions of the characters proper, their chapter, mission etc.

Did the Terminators really lead the charge?

As cool as it sounds, 10 Space Marine bikes are not going to fit inside a LandRaider.

Murdering mans, in the name of CHAOS and the Night Lords!

PostPosted: Thu Nov 19, 2009 8:56 pm 
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Joined: Wed Feb 08, 2006 11:38 am
Posts: 3042
Location: On the ceiling
Alright here we go (and please take this as constructive critisicism)
- Some character names without capitals
- Misused words such as "your delegate touch" do you mean delicate? "I'm going to speak with the scout" scouts? (this is nit picking I know)
- 10 bikes, a techmarine and servitors will not all fit inside a land raider
- Marine autosenses are a combination of thermal, night, and ultra-vision combined with enhanced view finding. The exclusive use of thermoptics makes little sense even at night or extreme environment conditions.
- Some phrases used just don't sound like a marine more like a guardsmen (dress to impress, broadsides causing us some grief etc...)
- How can the scouts occupy a destroyed outpost? Also how is the firepower of 10 scouts (maybe less at that point) help cut short a campaign by months? why not just send a thunderhawk with a compliment of marines there?

Overall not bad for a first effort/posting just a bit of polishing/refinement needed (and again please take as constructive critisicism)

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